Oh, Envy is a nasty, nasty beast. To be a Wag. To wake up knowing that's the worst you're going to feel all day (blasted magnum of Don Perignon!). To have a husband so thick he doesn't realise you spend a normal African country's GDP on shipping your fake tan to Dusseldorf. Heck, so thick he doesn't know what GDP is.

Until recently, I thought my life-plan of good education, glamour job, then professional, long-suffering husband was pretty sweet. Now, I'm not so sure. Suddenly everything trashy seems desirable. Especially if it means never having to worry about finances ever, ever again.

Since beauty is not only skin deep, I've booked a sesh at Preventicum, a new clinic that offers full-body MOTs - I want to know what's coming. The first of its kind, Preventicum offers a service the usual NHS check-up only skims, including an MRI scan of the whole body, ECG, stress-test, ultrasound and comprehensive blood and urine analysis.

What's more you get a full written report with any lifestyle changes they suggest. (Go easy on the fags and stranger sex, huh?)

Now, all I need is someone to pay for it. Ah, Wayne sweetie?