Emmaprovement Continues...

Everyone has something to be smug about. Usually, if you are modest, you try to be subtle about them. But in the interest of fair journalism, I will reveal a few.

I have tiny, perfectly formed ears. I'm pretty sure I'm a middling-to-good kisser. And I am definitely, definitely a better shopper than you.

My friends, though annoyed, are nodding right now. Some people have musical talent, sports skills or artistic ability. I was raised, like a young Tiger Woods, to be a good shopper. Upon entering a shop, I will find the best item for the lowest price and I will spend hours doing so, fully focussed on the task. If you're with me, don't talk. Better, leave. I don't even know you're there.

It's how I relax: combing markets, or sample sales, or discount outlets for the best bargain. I don't even have to buy it, I just get a smug satisfaction knowing I found it: like a former playboy getting the girl to acquiesce but not taking her home. But if I do buy it, and you comment on it, I will smugly tell you how little the bag or dress or shoes costs.

And though I'm generally a nice person, there are some things I won't reveal. This week, I waited a few days before I told my friends that the Liberty sale room was stocked with some of the best names at 90% off. There are some charity shops I'd never revel the location of, and I never, never discuss my technique.

But, this column is due and I just raped and pillaged the Penguin sample sale (menswear, so, whatever), which is on until Sunday, so I will tell you, dear reader, how to probably "do" a sample sale.

First, get invited. Make friends with some fashion people. Certain sale invitations, like the legendary Chanel one, are nearly impossible to come by. You, too, would probably sell your best friend if you had the chance of getting a Chanel suit at Topshop prices. I kid you not.

Some people like to arrive first, lining up outside before the sale begins. This is a good idea if you are an average size; but I would suggest also visiting at the end of the sale, when organisers often further discount items. When there, listen for the words: restock. The Penguin sale, for instance, is being restocked with fresh items today, so it's a good time to visit.

Enter the location, briskly, without making eye contact with any staff members. They will only slow you down. You. Do. Not. Need. Help. Deep breath. Shoulders back. You'll be here a while. Start on your right at eye level, flipping through every single item on the rack, peer under and behind the racks - that's where people like me hide things.

Some shoppers only concentrate on their own size. Foolish. If the racks are organised by size, go to the opposite size, that's also where I hide things. If there's someone of a similar size to you, watch them like a hawk, follow them into the changing room, stealing anything they discard. Try on everything in your size, even if you think it won't suit you. This is when you find out that actually a balloon skirt in magenta can be quite fetching on child-bearing hips.