| Friday
April 25, 2008 |
| Cheers.
This Round's on Me. |
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The
papers have been bleating recently about how four
pubs are closing down on average every day, and
we're consequently losing our heritage.
What bollocks. There are 57,000 pubs left in
Britain, and I reckon half of them deserve to
close down.
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Let's
face it - we've moved on - pubs haven't. Unless your
idea of a good time is sticky carpets, a soundtrack
of mindless supermarket techno that not even the pimply
staff (let alone the resident alkies) enjoys, and drinks
that suggest the last forty years never happened. So
we're campaigning to Shut Down London's Crap Pubs.
The Contenders:
·
Any pub with a flat roof. The estate lads know you're
not local, and the silent stares are worthy of a Western
on entry. Should you visit by mistake, remember, a vodka
and coke = cocktail = a poof's drink = a kicking.
·
UJ's lady writers have been lobbying for all Wetherspoons
to be shut down, but at least the Gents don't make your
eyes water. So, they're on remand.
·
The Tottenham, Oxford Street's only pub - say no more.
·
Tiger Tiger might not think it's a pub, but it is. Officially
the most violent venue in the UK. Clueless, classless
bridge 'n tunnel wannabees.
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The Greyhound, Kensal Green - full of fat, charmless
denim-clad Dads on BMXs. Time to grow up and give
up the gak.
·
The Old Blue Last, Old Street - same as above
but younger, samier, and dirtier.
·
Every pub on Upper Street with the exception of
the truly surreal White Swan, where the interior
combines 70s African dictator chic, Hatfield Travelodge,
and a Dakotan Diner. And it's still crap.
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TODAY'S
EVENT PICKS |
Contemporary
Art from a Martian's
viewpoint of planet Earth, on show at
the Barbican. 11am-6pm. Silk Street, EC2.
£8. |
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Experience
your own raunchy moments in Jo Broughton's
Empty
Porn Sets installation at the FAS ,
9:30am-5:30pm, 148 New Bond Street, W1.
Free. |
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German
standup proves they have a sense of
humour, at their own expense. Questors Theatre.
8pm, 12 Mattock Lane, W5.
£14. |
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Hear
what the Poet
Laureate has to say on his autobiography
"In the Blood" and more. Wanstead Library,
7:30pm. Spratt Hall Road, E11.
£9.50. |
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23rd
London Original Print Fair, the chance to snap up an original
two.