Okay look, I'm not going to say it. See, it's not our fault. This is England. It rains. What do you expect? Now stop your whining, halt your complaining, curb those snide quips about it being July already and get out there. Do some boogying, some drinking, some socializing. Soak up a spot of art, or even opera, somewhere in the middle. You'll feel so much better.

This weekend's guide is brought to you in association with Dover Street Market, brainchild of Comme Des Garcons founder Rei Kawakubo and husband Adrian Joffe, and purveyors of all things mouth-wateringly stylish and cool, in designer styled spaces within a warehouse/market setup.

Happy Birthday The Hayward
Who'd of thought turning 40 could be so delectably fun. Proud of her rugged looks and institutional charm, the old Dame Hayward has gone all nostalgic in her old age. Pay the same entry-fee as the art-goers of 1968, gorge on cake 'n' cocktails, and before you know you'll suspended in a floating cell. Bet this didn't happen in '68.

90 Free Fridays Opening Night
Free Fridays? Think what that could do to the economy. Why, at least 10% of national revenue must derive from me going out for one on Friday, only to come to on Saturday with a wallet full of receipts and an ache in my PIN number finger. Still, since Noise of Art have lined up A Human, My Toys Like Me and Ben Osborne, it would be rude not to.

Faith meets Heavy Disco
Fresh fanzine Faith are pulling out all the two-beat stops to welcome their new-born compilation album 'House Ain't Dead' (which features tantalising tracks by Ame, Radio Slave and Berliner Chicago house legend Prosumer) into the world, with Prosumer himself hitting the decks downstairs while the Heavy Disco crew work the underground party upstairs. A fine excuse to chuck a stormer of a bash, I'd say.

Gay Bingo
It's time for fun (41) at the event hosted by Jonny Woo and co, though Two Fat Ladies (88) won't go down well if you're planning on staying alive (85) amongst sweet sixteens (16) and dancing queens (17). Ask for more (34) and don't get in a state (28) - with avant-garde cabaret, songs and gutter couture, it's a night made in heaven (67).

Body & Soul
Nine hours of music with no warm ups, no guests, and absolutely no bad vibes. Leave your grumbles at the door and glow sticks at the ready kids, as New York's pioneers of the feel good house party, Body & Soul, are in Brixton this summer. Reuniting for a landmark event with François K, Joe Claussell and Danny Krivit, expect a night of deep dance and some cracking grooves.

Gutterslut
What to do on a Saturday night? There you are, all Gay Bingoed out from the ICA, raring to go for some debauched dessert, only to find yourself beached, party-less upon The Mall. The answer? Head to Hackney, where the Dalston Gay Mafia have at last come home to Images, wreaking their trashy, filthy magic once more, with a pole-dancing, mic tonguing Johnny Woo playing host(ess).

Rise Music Festival
If Sunday mornings aren't generally your time to rise and shine, make an exception this weekend. What began as the Respect Festival in 1996 featuring Chumbawumba, has now returned as Rise, a musical celebration of cultural diversity in the capital with 6 stages featuring African, Underground, and Big Dance as well as DJ sets. All together now: I get knocked down, but I get up again…

La Boheme
A misplaced key, an extinguished candle, and a cold hand: more of a Cluedo game or Midsummer Mystery than the beginning of a doomed love affair in 1830s Paris, but so begins Puccini's tale of jealous separation and deathbed revelation amongst the colourful Bohemian streets of the city. Oh, and there's a lovely bonnet in there too. Operatic perfection.

Phone in Sick
Go on, phone in sick. You know you want to. They don't need you tomorrow. I mean, it's a Monday. Call them now and get it over with. In fact, why not spend the rest of the night dancing like a nut to Boombox's Andrea Gorgerino and Nuke Them All's Fonteyn, and then call in. At least then you won't have to lie about being unfit for duty.