We're not going to mention the weather this time. No sirrreeee. So… we're going to sit here and twiddle our thumbs instead. You know the drill: village whores, Bedouin bands, and troupes of ladyboys. It's so good this weekend, it could rain for all we care. Oh Sh*t.

This week's guide is brought to you in association with Oakley, created for world-class athletes and driven to look beyond the conventional ideas of industry standards. UJ loves Oakley's Frogskins for the summer months; makes us feel all athletic, like.

Village Whore Summer Fete
If village life - with all it's bunting, jam sandwiches and cider with Rosie - tickles your fancy, then Village Whore is for you. Bringing the old village hall to the city centre, Rosie won't be in situ with legs akimbo, but there will be a summer fete complete with tunes, raffle, human fruit machine, and maypole dancing. Cut-price Pimm's and rainbow cupcakes? Oooh that hussy's a cheap date.

V&A Village Fete
Summer in London: makes us city slickers start to yearn for a ruddy good fete. Yes, we all have a little country in us, so if the Village Whore isn't up your street, join fête veterans Rob Ryan, Digit, and Tatty Devine, alongside newcomers to this ultimate arty extravaganza, including Jellymongers for foam topiary, helium karaoke, and balloon popping.

Kunst
When you're asked to 'do anything with cake' you just know you're about to be violated, in a good way. The mutant offspring of Kabarett, London's finest neo-Weimar cabaret night features Luke Wright's poetry and satire, Ekaterina Sknarina's erotic performance art and contortions, and of course, you the audience, all under the direction of Dusty Limits, the Dark Prince of London Cabaret, accompanied by Dawn Right Nasty on the decks.

Bedouin Jerry Can Band
Combining desert flutes, reed pipes, the odd Egyptian lyre and surprisingly melodic junk percussion, with intriguing tales of pesky sheep rustlers, three-donkey dowries, the beautiful girl next-settlement and the efficiency of camels, this semi-nomadic band (meant both musically and socially) have Arabian folklore wrapped-up in, well, a jerry can. Well you try describing them without recourse to such punnery.

Stranger Than Paradise
You've got to wander, sometimes, whether, somewhere in the curious land of Entertainment, there is a 'Prize for Most Curious or Silliest Artist Name'. And, assuming for the moment that there is, surely, then, the Stranger Than Paradise crew must be the keepers of said award, and tonight's festivities the grand finale. Top Shelf Jazz? Ms Honey Von Trapp? The Death of Fly Boy? It's the logical conclusion, Watson.

For3ign: Art Attacks
If Jodie Harsh and Scottee's Issue was a touch too off-the-wall for you, then, well, perhaps you should just look away now. Not only is tonight in deepest, strangest Shoreditch. Not only is it For3ign - the queen of crazy-as-a-box-of-frogs nights. But it's also a full-on art-edged special, with Matthew Stone, Scottee, K-Y-M and Josh You Are raising the standards of Saturday night club scandal to an all-time arty high.

Johnny Cash: The Man in Black
Walk the line with the man in black as, five years on from his death, rare and unpublished images of Cash taken by those photographers closest to him reveal an intimate and revealing portrait of his career as the legendary singer-songwriter.

Ladyboy 2008
Canapes, Choos and Chicago, oh my! Sounds classy don't it - well throw in a healthy dose of Bangkok's finest drag acts and global contestants for Ladyboy 2008, and you've got yourself something camper than a Broadway musical. There'll be shimmying, shaking, and a celebrity guest, but all that jazz? All those joysticks more like it: tuck 'em in boys.

Clash Magazine Sunday Sessions
The near-legendary music mag, Clash, are back at Camden's finest with a stunner of a line-up to make you wish it was Saturday all over again. One of our favourites, the punk-popstress Ida Maria, is heading things up, and if for some crazy reason that's not enough, there's a brigade of Clash DJs on hand to help you see out the weekend with a bang.