It's been a disappointing week, and the Swiss are entirely to blame. Yes, sod neutrality, they've ruined our apocalyptic hopes with their dud atomic collision experiment which failed to go pop, let alone end the world, and then continued to irritate us by sending Federer out to beat our own angsty Andy. So we say, get sexy with Lady Luck, get shuffley in Shoreditch, and get wet with Boris. Yep, it's about as random as it gets, but we guarantee nobody'll be dissatisfied.

This weekend's guide is brought to you in association with the INVERTED. As part of this year's London Design Festival and London Fashion Week, Beyond the Valley have created two distinctly twisted environments around the Carnaby area, showcasing brand new fashion and design products in back-to-front and front-to-back versions, many of which have been created exclusively for the festival.

Forever Heavenly
Tonight marks the first instalment of what is set to be a cracking weekend of 18th birthday celebrations in the shape of an urban music festival, featuring the great and the good from Heavenly Recording's impressive roster. Begin the weekend with Ed Harcourt's celebrated back catalogue, before moving things along to the Doves, Manic Street Preachers, and Cherry Ghost. Hey, you're only 18 once.

Dan Baldwin: Dead Innocent
Dan Baldwin is an artist who knows a thing or two about pictorial oxymorons. By smacking graphic references lifted from popular culture, art, religion and political history on top of impulsively daubed bright paint, his contradictory work rams together painting, collage, appliqué and printing with uplifting yet disquiet results. If a modern-day Aubrey Beardsley woke up one morning randomly engrossed by Pop, he'd probably make something a lil' like this.

Ladyluck London Weekender
I kind of wish Luck weren't a Lady for once. Just for tonight, let luck be a bloke. A fit, muscly bloke who happens to know how to wing me a few aces under his sleave. Failing that, I'll settle for the company of Lady Kamikaze, El Nino, and The Lovesick Cowboys. Ooooh, I'd let them roll my dice.

Great River Race
Twenty years on, and the Great River Race is still as springy as when the first Cornish pilots, skiffs, and Viking longboats set sail off the glorious shores of Richmond in '88. Powered by enthusiastic, athletic, if not occasionally burly Homo sapiens, participants leave behind their loved-ones in an attempt to beat other Hawaiian war canoes in this 22 mile long race. Head to Greenwich for the triumphant finale.

Apocalypso
When you find big name DJs playing sets at what essentially amount to local boozers with cracking music policies, one of two things is generally to thank. Either the talent in question is having a bad month, or the venue has hit on a good thing. With James Lavelle (yes, he of Unkle) joining Punks Jump Up at the OQH, I'm guessing it's the latter.

Mayor's Thames Festival
The mayor wishes to invite you to a festival celebrating London and it's Thames, complete with a Jive Stage and a Wishing Tree, Japanese Jamboree and a Soup Ceremony, plus the fantastical sounding Whoopee Club Carnival to top it all off, compered by Johnny Woo in a lantern lit 1920's style riverside Carnival Ball. Now you remember why we voted Boris. Let's just hope he doesn't fall in. Sigh...

Shoreditch Shuffle
Okay, so we haven't quite gotten over the mind-bogglingly clever new iPod 'shake to shuffle' feature. However, in the absence of such technological indulgence, you can re-create in fleshy real-time, the fine combination of music, theatre, art, fashion, film and vigorous hip-shaking over two-days and 17 venues across Shoreditch. From Five O'Clock Heroes and Kid Carpet to Man Like Me, quite frankly, I'm all shook up.

Jimmy Doherty's Food & Wine Tasting Sessions
Jamie Oliver's bessie mate Jimmy gives some insight into how happy animals produce yummier meals. Which might raise suspicion in anyone who's experienced a Happy Meal. However, give it a chance, as he'll be joined by a Turkey farmer and some eco tomatoes. If you feel like you're starting to hallucinate wash it all down with Vinopolis' resident wine expert Tom Forrest, who'll be selecting wines and beers to complement this foodie's dream session.

Nobel Textiles
When science and art meet, their union is either happily Leonardo da Vinci-esque, or a rather confusing affair reminiscent of school experiments involving paint, chemicals and boredom. Thankfully the former is comes to being as five Nobel prizewinners team up with Central Saint Martins research fellows to create collaborative textiles, fashions and furnishings, such as sea-urchin egg inspired wallpaper, amongst a cutting-edge season of talks and film. Far out.