I have become an arch-blagger. The doorman reckons he's in with a chance. The maitre d's seem to love the sexy wink my ex has dubbed my 'spazzy eye'. And even the vacuous beauty counter bitches load me up with endless free samples.

Members clubs therefore, are my Everest. And damnit, I want in. But without proposers, seconders, and a veritable portfolio of passport photographs, let alone the financial backup, I have had to learn to improvise.

Call before 6pm and Milk & Honey will let anyone book a table for up to six people, Monday to Thursday if they have space. The bowling alley at Shoreditch House is bookable by non-members and there's a bar right next to it, whilst The Hospital is delightfully easygoing and you're likely to land a table if you call in advance. Bungalow 8 and Maya both have guest lists you can get on to, and the nice fellow at Black's told me that sometimes temporary membership is arranged for celebrities performing in nearby shows.

So there you have it. Get blagging, or alternatively become a rich West end star.
And if none of those are an option, here's a special offer to get you started.