Neon Noise Project
I remember my last Fischerspooner gig. Okay, not really. I remember getting dressed before the gig though. And with silver spandex leggings, high-heeled white leather ankle boots, and glow sticks dangling around my neck I thought I'd be the coolest chick in da club. Perhaps it was me looking like an idiot that scared Fischerspooner into not coming back for 3 years... Anyway, tickets are disappearing like crazy but we hear there are a few left.

Spirit of Speyside Whisky Festival
December might have Christmas and September its long, balmy evenings, but May is clearly the best month of the whole year. I mean, what's not to love about Whisky Month? If you're at all like me (i.e. the blood in your veins is in fact 43%ABV scotch) then skip the foreplay and head straight to Scotland for the Spirit of Speyside. Or at least raid London's Whisky Exchange and Albannach in honour.

20th Century Design Fair
Assuming it's a glorious day (although I've probably just jinxed the bloody thing), there are few more charming ways to while away your Saturday afternoon. Gorgeous 20th Century (sigh, seems so long ago) furniture and objets d'art on display and up for sale beside the calming ripple of the open-air pool… and just in case it p*sses it down, tea and homemade cake. I've put dibs on that rolling rocking chair, though, so don't even think about it.

This week's ORIGINAL pick: Eastern Electrics
With bells on - and for the crazy ones amongst you, maybe even a gasmask and a cheeky pair of white gloves - it's time to revisit the old days and some of the best (and worst) parties you ever experienced. Oh yes: car park raves. Get ready for an outrageous 10-hour extravaganza with Zomby, 2000 and One, Metro Area and more. Pretty cool also is the mention of 'executive toilets' (dying to find out what that involves).

London 'Zine Symposium
Ever wondered what your superhero alter-ego would be? The UJ office would probably be filled with winged and bespectacled overlords wielding giant martini glasses. Not a cartoonist's finest work by any stretch. But stretched out imaginations is exactly what you'll find here, as homebrewed magazines, comics and the people who make them come together for cake and workshops galore. And yes, the cake is vegan.

Tayo's Tracksuit Party
Go ahead. Do it. Release your inner chav. Grab your finest bits of nylon - hell, just rock up in last night's sweatpants that you watched Britain's Got Talent in (including curry stains). It's time to let loose, like, completely, and literally. Besides the usual hip hop, disco and funk factor expect something mega exclusive during this Bank Holiday special: A-Have-A-Go-Hip-Hop-Karaoke. Oh Yeah.

Breakin' Convention 09
If your idea of breaking convention is to skip Mummy's Sunday or go crazy at the Opera minus-tie, this'll freak the pants right off your tired ass. UJ are not terribly adept at the language of Diddy, but we're putting new shoes on our ride (getting tires on the car) and busting a move down to this hippity hoppity dance, music and graffiti gathering in hopes of learning a thing or two from the experts.

AITBF Weekender
I know it's Monday. I know you have work tomorrow, you're tired, your kidneys hurt, and you've spent far too much this weekend. But it's a Bank Holiday, so quit your whining and head over to the final part of the Adventures In The Beetroot Field four-day extravaganza (assuming you're not there already). I would tell you who's playing, but we're a little limited on space here. Let's just say they're all brilliant. And several. And be done with it.