Hendrick’s Refined Courtship Clinic
Ladies – are you tired of being wolf whistled at and having your bottom unceremoniously spanked of a weekend? Men – not sure what you’re doing wrong (or did that first line sound about right to you?) Then head to this Victorian-esque salon of seduction, where you will be taught in the art of courtship manner and etiquette and receive free advice from love experts Dr. Humphrey Sixwivs and Mrs. Isabella Forlornicate on everything from rose presentation to acceptable conversation topics. Your final test will be stumbling into the seedy backstreets of Soho’s red light district, and trying to get out with decorum in tact.

Screw Valentine’s
Well there’d have to be one listing for the sour singletons amongst you (and some of us) and here it is – an anti fluffy, teddy, flowery night of no-strings attached Cupid bashing. There’ll be free drinks on offer via ‘Spin the Pony’, games including ‘worst Valentines present’ so dig out those old socks, a spanking booth, handcuff-equipped naughty cupboard and of course, plenty of 80’s club classics and house anthems to take your mind off the gushy stuff. Grrr.

The Enchanted Garden Valentine’s Ball
If Adam and Eve were the world’s first couple, then the Garden of Eden was their love nest. So your chances of finding your perfect match (or a deceitful, apple-wielding snake) are equally high at this ivy-entwined Love Garden, complete with hedonistic rituals and wild games overseen by Bacchus – the God of Wine and Madness. Say ciao to Cupid and embrace grape-fondling forest fauns, the Queen of Fairies and a sexy photobooth which’ll project your demonstrations of love all over the walls.

Valentine’s Swap-a-rama
Tomorrow is D-day V-day and let’s face it; the pressure’s well and truly on. Not particularly to fall in love, but at least to wake up naked next to somebody (we need to look like we put some effort in on Cupid’s behalf after all). So what better way to achieve this than to strip off, swap clothes with random strangers and appraise the opposite sex over copious amounts of alcohol and the sexy strains of a klaxon sound. Keep swapping items until you don’t know what you’re going home in – or who with. Cheers to Cupid.

Myths and Monsters
If you’ve come to believe that True Love is the ultimate myth, take umbrage in this new exhibition from the purveyors of the weird and wonderful at The Horniman Museum. And no, we’re not even going to pun on the name this Valentine’s Day. Find out the truth behind Cyclops, unicorns, yetis and chimeras, and the answer to mysteries like the connection between dragons and dinosaurs, and why she never called you back. On second thoughts, nobody will ever be able to answer that for you. Might be time to move on.

The Apartment
A struggling insurance clerk, a plucky elevator girl, a 1960’s office romance – this is the stuff that dreams are made of, surely? Get in the mood for romance at this outdoor screening of Billy Wilder’s The Elevator. There will be deckchair seating on the Baylis Terrace on a first come first served basis, so we suggest bringing a warm blanket, a loved one, and a tenner so you can both indulge in The Frosty Jack - two glasses of pink prosecco and a box of Turkish Delight, or The Sizzling Shirley - two Irish coffees and a box of dark chocolates.