Today is Steak & Blowjob day. Officially.

Wait, ladies, don't break out into a cold sweat. Allegedly, today is the day we payback our menfolk for all their hard work on Valentine's Day.

All those roses, that surprise sneaky minibreak to Venice, the way he serenaded you at the office, the two carat Tiffany's solitaire he hid in the crème brulé.

What? He didn't even call? He spent the night at a "work's do" - read Stringfellows. Well, then, tonight then reverts to Takeaway, Telly and Spooning night. As usual.

What about you girls with caring, sensitive boyfriends - the boys who actually made an effort? Well, ladies better don the pinny and dust off those trusty kneepads, because we, at UJ, believe in keeping our men happy (okay, reasonably content but fearful, fine).

I know, I know - you Brits occasionally get a bit nervous when faced with a huge, throbbing piece of meat. It's a bit foreign. A bit, ah, big. You don't really know the best way tackle it.

But, I, fair ladies, was raised in a place where women outnumbered the blokes six to one, and we had to learn certain specific techniques to catch and keep our men.

The secret avoid too much initial contact, you don't want to handle it too much. Instead, tease it, starting with a gentle, tender massage. Then, lubricate. Not too much, mind. But you want to get it suitably wet. Otherwise, what's the point?

Some girls believe in slow and steady, We, at UJ, disagree. Shock and awe - six, ten minutes, at the most. Heat the skillet to the highest heat, throw that awesome six incher in and flip when it starts to scream.

What, you think we'd give away our bedroom secrets? A lady never tells.